Waves

The hate comes in waves. I wake up in the middle of the night, my back is sticky, I feel the heat of my duvet on my bones and I hate you. I hate your face. I hate remembering your face. I hate that I still remember the shape of your hands, I hate how I used to love your skinny legs. Sometimes, in the middle of the night I can smell you. And it's like you are always with me.

The love comes in waves as well. Us, memories of us are irrelevant. I only love what could have been. What didn't happen.
I had this dream about you, making love to you, being with you. And I started crying because that was our first kiss. And that's what I love about us, the dream.

Reality always gets on the way. The other day I sent you my love, I liked your photos and I had sex with some other guy. I ate, I fucked, I worked, I drank water and the world moved on, there was no you, there was no me, specially there was no us and I was fine.

And then I tell everybody it's over. I'm over you, I'm over what I felt. And it's really okay.

Until it's not okay anymore. I want to take you out of my life because it hurts to much having you there. I can't stop loving you because not having you is an abysmal thought.

You are never enough even when you give yourself to me, it's never enough. You are a drug, I fight you, I resist you and then in the back of a club I sniff you. I do infinite lines of your hair. I take your eyes as pills and I dance alone and I see your face.

Why can't you see this? Why can't you just freak out and leave? Cut it and leave me bleeding. Let me die so I can come back.

Kill this or you will kill me.